


For Us To Be Free

by lonelybetters



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Endgame Castiel/Dean Winchester, Fix-It, M/M, Misunderstandings, Post-Canon Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:29:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27641441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelybetters/pseuds/lonelybetters
Summary: Takes place right after 15x19, in place of 15x20.Where Dean remains alive to the end, Cas comes to find him, and together they get it right.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	For Us To Be Free

The world is saved, Jack disappears into thin air, leaving just Dean and Sam behind.

So, at a loss of what else to do, the brothers go back to the bunker where they engrave Cas and Jack's names onto the table and pack up to leave their old lives behind them, letting the Impala carry them into the days beyond.

And then they go their separate ways.

Sam moves on, as he always does - naturally, with an effortless nonchalance that ushers him quickly into a normal life without fanfare, settling easily into days at a time where he can just forget about the rest of the world. Live for himself, for a change.

But Dean - 

Dean is alone, and not for the first time in his life. He's alone in the Impala, having dropped Sammy off for the last time at the threshold to the latter's new life, and for weeks, months, and then years, he just wanders. 

Throughout his days, sometimes he meets the people he once saved, sometimes other hunters who similarly gave up the old ways for peace. 

Eventually, he pauses, remembers that old, empty space that he had once called Rocky's Bar, from long ago when Michael locked up Dean in his own head. Finds it unclaimed, and so puts it down under his own name, settling almost too easily into a new routine - spending his days drinking beer and eating pie, playing pool and watching old re-runs of shows and movies of bygone days.

All while listening to classic rock.

Maybe Cassie visits him, maybe Lisa does - the faces blur together and he soon forgets them all. Dean has his flings every now and then, but none of it is serious, because he still remembers when his best friend - someone who really mattered to him, who he once thought he could die for - told him he loved him.

And sometimes he dreams what becomes a familiar scene - just standing face to face with Cas in that old trench coat, his frame stiff and unnatural, smiling awkwardly, while he stands opposite in plaid and jeans. And where Cas always moves his lips, like he's trying to say something, no sound ever comes out.

And when he wakes up, it's on his mind for the rest of the day, and still some days afterwards.

What it was that Cas was trying to tell him.

Because he knows Cas was brought back, but that he's wandering the world without coming to see Dean, and Dean's unsure what to make of it. Doesn't know whether he wants to see Cas again, doesn't know what he'd say to him even if he did.

Because he wasn't in love with Cas, he thinks, never even thought of Cas being in love with him.

Yet still he wonders.

And so do the days pass, where Sam calls often, comes by the bar sometimes, or Dean goes to visit him and his family, plays with his nephews and nieces, because what Sam dreamed about wasn't broken angels with sad smiles, but about what it would be like to have a big family. And now even Dean kind of gets a feel for it in spurts.

But most of the time he's still alone.

And so do the years pass. 

And as he grows older beyond his control, until he's entering his fifties, startled by every new day, he starts praying to Cas again.

A little at a time. 

Because it's hard to forget someone who he once spoke to every day, and so does he start saying a few words every night, closing his eyes and clearing his throat awkwardly.

Always starting off by asking whether or not Cas is still there.

And as he speaks to Cas a little more each time, until each evening he's spending a dozen or so minutes just running through his whole day, reliving it so that Cas gets a feeling for the time Dean spent without him - this woman starts appearing in the bar.

A widow, maybe, with a kind smile, who speaks softly and asks Dean each time how his day was. And so does Dean give it a chance - settling in with someone for the long run, who he had no ties to, bond or not, debt owed or not.

And they have no children, just the pups that Miracle - who had limped alongside Dean for so long - had left him. Just taking care of the bar, going through life a day at a time.

And one night, when the woman asks to whom Dean prays to every night, even though there's no God, Dean just simply says, Cas.

Just Cas.

And so do the years fly by. 

The woman passes first - leaving Dean alone again. But her death is peaceful, their farewells good enough. Her funeral is a small affair, attended by everyone who ever loved her, loved the two of them together.

Then goes Sam. It's ironic, because Dean always, always thought it wouldn't be Sam - that it would be him who would go first, that it was always meant to be him who would go first.

But Sam dies, and Dean is at his side, holding his hand, while Eileen and their children stand on his other side, looking on as Sammy goes with a smile, telling Dean that soon they'll see each other again, for no way would they ever be apart for that long.

And so Dean is by himself once more, and he feels numb.

And then he gets angry. Angrier maybe than he had ever felt before, in his whole life.

Because he's old - older than he ever thought he would get. 

And never had he thought it would be like this.

That this was the way it was going to be.

For he no longer moves the same - slower now, where he always feels tired. 

But one day, he wakes up, and he thinks to himself, that if that's how it was going to be, then that's how it was going to be.

So does he soldier on, laughing just as loudly, slow dancing to all the songs of his youth - arms held out to an invisible lover as the jukebox plays behind him and softly does he serenade the empty room, where he's alone under the dim light, eyes closed to the world, substituting it for a dream.

And sometimes when he opens his eyes again, does he think he sees a figure standing far from him against the other wall, smiling sadly, though when he blinks again whoever it was is gone - replaced by shadows cast by everything that could not longer be, that had long since left him behind.

But eventually his time comes, as he anticipated long ago - having arrived much later than he expected, but having arrived all the same.

And when that day comes, he's calm.

He locks up the bar behind him, puts up a note on the door, chuckling softly as he tacks it up, before turning away and strolling towards the Impala, swinging his keys around his finger, letting them loop around and around.

_That's it, folks._

He takes Baby out for one last drive. 

Together, they wander down barren roads abandoned long ago for the new highways that had been built to replace them - just the two of them alone for miles upon miles in open fields, listening to classic rock.

In the passenger seat are plastic bags crammed with snacks, in the back seat a neatly folded trench coat, which Dean sometimes brushes with his hand as he reaches back for another mix tape, another memory.

And as he sings at the top of his lungs, however hoarsely, sometimes he glances to the side or into the rearview mirror - sees the smiling faces of Sam and those he once called his family, his friends. Hears their voices in the background of each song, as he smiles all the while, never faltering.

And at the end of the day does he finally stop.

The Impala's parked on the top of a hill far away from anything - overlooking the world from a fine vantage point, as the sun sets above him.

He's holding one last bottle, bringing it to his lips to chug it empty, before setting it onto the roof of the Impala behind him, patting the cold surface gently, reassuringly, before turning back to the skies, sighing heavily.

And for a moment, he just closes his eyes, breathing out deeply.

But then as night falls, just as he thinks he's falling asleep, does he hear a sudden whoosh to his side - a sound so familiar, yet belonging to a time so long ago that he almost mistakes it for the wind, if not for the soft, persistent rustling of fabric.

If not for the gravelly voice that speaks monotonously, slowly.

"Hello, Dean."

"Cas."

Dean straightens up too quickly, his limbs slipping wildly as he almost trips over himself to turn to the figure that's suddenly appeared beside him. And he almost can't believe it, almost thinks it a final dream, granted to him in his last moments.

But Cas moves closer, helps to steady him with a firm grip that holds tightly onto his arm, assures him of its realness, and he shudders involuntarily, though the air is still warm at the peak of summer.

Squeezing his eyes shut, he just stares for a while in disbelief. 

And as the other smiles slowly, uncertainly, it is then that he finally breaks as his face crumples, his heart wound tight, and he opens and closes his mouth wordlessly, shaking his head uselessly from side to side while he tries to figure it out, all that's happening too suddenly.

Because the moment's arrived when he'll finally get that chance he's dreamt of for so long - and yet even after all this time he still doesn't know.

He doesn't know what to say.

But Cas' smile solidifies, widens, until he's smiling just the same as in their final moments together, his eyes shining bright. And the words he utters next, so simply, so easily after all this time cause Dean's knees to buckle, as he sags forward and into Cas' arms, his shoulders heaving as the tears squeeze out, trickling uselessly down his cheeks.

"It's okay, Dean. It's okay."

And for a moment, they just stand there, the two of them, as Dean holds on tightly and Cas places his palms gently on his back, warm through the thin fabric, despite the cool breeze. 

And they don't say a word.

When finally, he breaks away, taking a step backwards as he brings an arm to his eyes, wiping at them roughly, he chuckles a little as his voice roughens, cracking.

"So how's heaven? They treating you alright up there?"

"Dean - "

"Hell, they make you the big guy yet? Or is Jack there with you now? Or what about Sammy - have you seen Sammy around?" 

"Dean, I haven't gone to heaven."

Dean stilled, his body freezing in place as the words hung suspended in the space between them with nowhere to go but into his thoughts, where his mind struggled stupidly to comprehend them.

"What do you mean, you haven't gone?"

Cas stared at him, his lips falling apart to speak, though Dean forged on through, gaining enough control of his body back that an irrational, desperate anger slams into him all at once, propelling his limbs into motion.

"They kept you out, didn't let you back up there? The hell do they think they are? You've done more for them and that place than anyone has ever done."

As the words fumbled out from his mouth, his thoughts began to slow, where his mind was overtaken by a growing confusion while he tried to piece the world together with his empty, clenching then quickly unfolding hands.

"Cas - if you haven't gone back, then where have you been all this time?"

His eyes turning back to the angel beside him, for a moment his mind halted again, where he felt his breath catch in his throat, growing shallow, felt his heart slow to a stop before it began again, rattling like a nearby, passing train in his chest.

But Cas just looked at him - his gaze quiet, sad. 

"Here, Dean. Just here."

And Dean stared, unmoving, as Cas edged into the little space beside him, leaning back against the hood of the Impala and turning towards the horizons beneath them.

And where he seemed almost content to stay there for a while in the silence, Dean swallowed hard, his gaze dropping briefly to the ground as he pressed his lips tightly together, squeezing his eyes shut - for once more he was a coward, unsure of the right words to say, of what it would mean if only he tried to say them out loud. But after a moment did he also look up, his face troubled, his heart heavy, staring far off into the horizons where darkness had long overtaken the land.

"You know, Dean - "

Cas had crossed his arms, a little smile flitting across his face.

"I always liked it best - this time of day. Or night, I should say. When all the world is quiet, and it's just you and all those strangers you've never met and all those people who ever meant something, at peace for once. Because, when the morning comes, everything gets kicked back into gear and the earth just keeps on moving, carrying everyone and their burdens along with it. But then the sun sets and the universe becomes still again. Peaceful. And that's all I ever wanted for this world."

The angel paused, his voice softening just a little as his chin dipped to his chest, before he raised his head again, his expression solemn.

"That's all I ever wanted for you."

Dean just looked at Cas, as the other continued to speak in a matter of fact manner, his words flowing steadily.

"I've thought about it a lot, since the last time we spoke. It's funny - I've been alive for millennia, I've already seen all that exists to be seen, know everything that exists to be known."

The other sighed, turning to glancing at Dean meaningfully, his expression having changed to become something more resigned, his eyes flitting as if searching the other's expression, before relaxing into something gentle.

"And I realized then that if peace was truly what I wanted for you to attain, then I would not have let us part like that. For it was selfish of me, I know. What I had done had brought me peace - so much peace, Dean. But for you it was something else entirely. A burden, perhaps. Another thing to tie you down. And I understand that now."

"No, Cas, you're wrong. That - "

"No, Dean, that's alright. I know that now, because of you. Because you've allowed me to stay by your side, all this time."

Dean paused, his voice cracking. 

"What?"

"I heard you - all those times you prayed to me. I've always listened, I never stopped. And at the beginning I felt ashamed - I didn't think I deserved to see you again, after having been brought back from the Empty. So instead I spent all this time rebuilding heaven, making it a better place so you could go there when it was your time, and you'd feel at home when you did get there. Whenever that could be, however long I'd have to wait."

His smile grew slowly, watching Dean gently all the while.

"But after you spoke to me for years, let me back into your life even for just a few minutes at a time, I couldn't stop myself. I came back down to see you. To watch you live the life you were always meant to live, even if it was in a place I wasn't familiar with, even if with someone that was not me."

"Cas."

"And you looked happy, Dean. Sam was happy too, which I was glad to see, but you were happy in a way that years ago you never could have imagined. You were happy in the way that I always wanted to see you. But always did I feel that something was wrong. That something was off, though I could never tell what exactly it was. It still didn't feel like you were truly happy. It was like you were almost there, but something was holding you back. Making it so that it was impossible for you to get there."

Cas frowned, his brows furrowing as his expression became troubled, distant.

"And then one day, I realized what it was."

His face smoothing out, he gazed once more at Dean, his eyes clear.

"It was me, wasn't it?"

Dean hung his head low again, knowing deep in his heart the words that Cas was about to say and feeling powerless to halt them, to say they weren't true.

"Because I left like that, without saying goodbye, because I never gave you any indication of what I was thinking ahead of time."

When the other breathed out deeply, the sound was audible, almost piercing in the silence around them, though the distance stretched between them seemed immeasurable.

"Because I told you I loved you."

"Cas -"

"That's why you never really got there - to your true happiness. Because I was holding you back, that little part of me that I had left with you. And I just wanted to say I'm sorry, Dean."

"Cas."

The angel moved then for the first time in a while, his body inching slightly away as he began to shake gently like a leaf that would crumble at the first touch, his limbs trembling as he raised his hands to his face, his voice breaking for the first time.

"I'm so sorry, Dean. I never wanted to leave you like that. But everything was happening so fast, and I wasn't sure whether I could just come back, how I could come back like nothing had happened, like everything was okay. And now it's too late and too much time has passed - so much time gone just like that, in the blink of an eye - and I -"

Cas straightened suddenly, turning to Dean again, with a sharp intake of breath, his eyes shining with quiet tears. 

"I wish I could do it all over again. Do it right. Then maybe, maybe at least I could have told you goodbye."

"CAS!"

Dean lurched forwards, his shoulders shaking hard, as his hands shot outwards to hold onto the sides of the angel's neck, forcing Cas to look at him with widened eyes, as his own gaze blurred and he sniffled, his voice hard.

"Cas, it's not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It was me, all me. I should have said something back there, I shouldn't have just let you go like that. And even afterwards - after it was all said and done I should have tried reaching out to you sooner. But - "

He chuckled hoarsely, swallowing roughly.

"Hell, I couldn't do it. Back then, I didn't know what to say. Years after, I still didn't. What was once between us, what I felt about you - I just couldn't find the right words for it. I just couldn't, and I hated myself for that. But never you, Cas."

Dean stepped in closer, just a little bit until their faces were just a breath apart. Smiling weakly, he let his head fall forwards, pressing his forehead against the other's, closing his eyes to the startled, broken gaze staring back at him, wordlessly, as he opened his mouth.

And for a long moment, as the two of them stood there locked in the same space, in the same moment, he could feel the dam breaking as all his thoughts, everything he couldn't voice before, threatened to stumble out clumsily without restraint into the air after so long, coming out as easily as each consequent breath.

But he stopped himself. 

And gently, he tilted his chin upwards, letting his lips brush lightly against thin, chapped ones, parted slightly underneath.

And when he pulled back a little, grinning so widely his cheeks hurt, feeling a laugh bubble up from the depths of his chest as the cloudless skies seemed to open up completely over head, his body seemed lighter than it had ever felt, and his head felt empty, almost dizzy from the feeling.

As he looked at the clueless angel who stared back at him, his eyes opened so wide it could have been that the universe had spoken to him then, told him its secret, as the old trench coat fluttered helplessly in the wind, and the world stuttered to a halt around them as if holding its breath just for them, to keep them there in that moment they shared together.

"But it is you."

He began to laugh, his hands sliding down the other's arms towards the thin wrists that were limp in his grasp, pulling them together, closer.

"It's always been just you, Cas."

And as the other slowly brightened, the slumped figure straightening as Cas let himself fall forwards willingly, easily, he watched the expression transition quickly from dejection to hope to a feeling Dean didn't want to put a name to - not yet - and he continued, his voice dropping to a volume only the two of them could hear.

"You were right, you know. I do have a lot of love to give - to Sam, to mom, to Jack, to so many others. To everyone who ever thought me worthy of theirs. But all my life, I never thought I deserved it. Always thought I would ruin it somehow, everything I ever had."

Cas stared at him quietly, listening intently, as he forged on, his words rough but determined.

"To be honest, Cas, I never thought I would live on to become so old. I wanted to go hard into the sunset, without ever putting on the brakes until the skies just swallowed me up, whatever age I got to when the world decided it had enough of me. And when that didn't happen, when I just kept on living day by day doing normal people stuff like that was all I had ever known, I - I thought that that was my punishment."

He swallowed again, sniffing hard, as he turned his face away.

"And as I watched everyone go before me - Sammy, everyone I ever loved - I wondered what I had done for the world to hate me so much."

Feeling rough hands come up to slide across his cheeks, cradling his face, he let his voice break, his eyes squeezing shut.

"And then, when things got really bad, I thought maybe - maybe that it was you. That you had abandoned me too, that you weren't going to take me away from here. And I hated that I thought that, Cas, because I knew you were in pain too, wherever you were. That even if you never came to see me, you were still watching me somehow and you were hurting."

He tilted his head, pressing it against a warm palm, as he breathed shakily, opening his gaze once again to stare at Cas, who looked at him all the while as if his heart was breaking slowly, and he shook his head a little to let him know it was okay. That he just had a little more left to say.

"But the world never hated me, did it? For all Chuck did to us, for all the monsters thrown our way, for all that ever happened to hurt us - there was still a lot of good in it, waiting for us, right Cas? All the people we met. All the friends we made."

His hands slid around the angel's waist, as he chuckled again.

"The world is a good place. Not the best place - not by a long shot. But just like the Empty was waiting to take you away until you were truly happy, it was doing the same for me, I realized."

Tightening his arms, he rested his head on top of Cas' shoulder, breathing in deeply.

"It was waiting for me, that's all it was. It was giving me a chance. Because all my life I had wanted so badly to be free. But it was never that you were the thing tying me down - it was that you were the last thing I needed. The final piece in the puzzle that I needed to get there. To be truly free."

He felt the angel in his arms tremble softly, but he had to keep going, now that he had gotten so far.

"So Cas, let's go."

The other sniffed, his voice hoarse as he spoke, uncertainly.

"Where? You can't hide from Death, Dean. But of course I'll go with you - anywhere you want, wherever you say."

"Then we'll go as far as tomorrow takes us, wherever that may be, okay? And we'll see everyone again along the way. Sammy, mom, Jack - the whole crew."

Pulling Cas inwards, he pressed in closer, never taking his eyes off the other's face. Grinning cheekily, it was almost as if he was young again - back in his thirties, when the world was still a great unknown that was waiting for him to begin. 

"But this time, we'll do it together."

"Together?"

"Yeah, Cas - after all, you're mine to have, aren't you?"

And so the other looked at him then, just the same as he always had.

But this time, the angel's eyes were brighter, his smile softer. 

And now he knew what it meant, what the other had always wanted to tell him - this time, and all those times before.

"Always, Dean."

**Author's Note:**

> 15x20 saddened me beyond belief. Not sure what I was expecting, but definitely not what ultimately came to be. I'm not sure how this alternate ending stands up, but hopefully some of you will enjoy it.
> 
> Really means a lot to me if you've read to the end - kudos and comments are always appreciated!


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